My war with food

I can honestly say that one of my greatest desires is to feel and be super healthy. Health is a huge passion of mine. So how is it possible that I eat so badly sometimes - so opposite of what I desire. Not many people know this, but I am a food addict. It's not an easy thing to admit, but it's the truth. The more that I try to not think about food, the more obsessed that I become. But I'm on a journey; I am on my way to freedom and this is the beginning - right here, right now.

In the past I have abstained from chocolate, sweets, plus all the things that I shouldn't be eating on a Candida diet, for weeks at a time. I would eat one cookie, and then relapse with a full fledged binge. No amount of sugar was safe for me. I hated myself for being so weak, but the cycle went on. I needed discipline. I have gone on numerous, lengthy juice fasts over the years. Most of the time I would fast after a lengthy binge where I had gained weight. I could not stand myself anymore, so I would fast. After my fast was over, I would eventually blow it and destroy all the benefits of the fast. Fasting had become like a drug to me - fasting was increasing my compulsiveness. I loved the freedom that I felt during a long fast, the feeling of being in total control. Victory tasted sweet, but it never lasted. Each time telling myself that this time I would practice self-control after breaking my fast.

It is my heart's desire to eat nutritiously and to be healthy. I gradually see the scale going up yet the binge goes on. I know that these foods are harmful and killing my immune system, yet even the fact that I am jeopardizing my health, is still not enough to stop me. What compels me to raid the refrigerator when I am not even hungry? Or eat four granola bars in a row? If we honestly evaluate our decisions and actions, we will face the sobering realization that our emotions are in the driver's seat. Feelings compel us to act. When they become uncontrollable, they are defined as compulsive, obsessive or addictive behaviour.

Here Are Some Signs of Compulsive Eating:

• Thinking about food a lot.
• Eating to relieve worry or stress.
• Continuing to eat even after feeling sick from eating too much.
• Becoming anxious while eating.
• Daydreaming or worrying while eating.
• Overeating.
• Eating too fast.
• Eating everything on the plate.
• Feeling guilty when you eat.
• Eating in secret.
• Unable to eat one cookie or any treats that you really like.
• Binging after a diet.
• Hunger makes you feel fearful and uncomfortable.

I answered YES to every single one of these.

Tomorrow I am going to talk about our distorted thinking and our negative emotions.