I'm so I'm blessed to have this time to myself right now. Today has been a rough day. My mom called today and asked me how I was doing and I told her that I hated doing daycare. I think back to just a few years ago when I was approaching the end of my Maternity Leave. Ethan was almost a year old and it was time for me to return to Corrections Canada. Just the thought of returning to work and leaving Ethan with someone else put me to tears. I was in a perpetual state of distress - knots in my stomach - no peace. It's all I could think about. I prayed and begged for God to make a way for me to stay home with Ethan. But the time came, and I had to return to work. Although we were incredibly blessed to have Ethan taken care of by his nanny - my mother in law - it still felt like my heart was being ripped out. For as long as I can remember, I always imagined that I would be able to raise our children at home and I was so angry that I wasn't able to do so. So I got pregnant really fast - I thought, the sooner I get pregnant, the sooner I go back on Mat Leave. So about 8 months after I returned to work, I was off on Maternity Leave again. I was thrilled! So happy - off for a whole year with both my boys. A couple of months before my Mat Leave was about finished, that knot in my stomach returned. I was still praying and litterally begging God to make a way for me to stay home with my boys. We decided to move out of our condo into a bigger home in Orleans. And this is when I began my journey as a daycare provider. I was so excited and felt so blessed to have this opportunity to be home with the boys...and I was so thankful that my prayers were answered.
So now here I am, about one and half years later...home with my children...and pulling my hair out! The only thing that keeps me grounded is God. I can never forget how I felt when I had to drop Ethan off every morning at his Grandma's house. That helpless feeling...and all the tears, ah! I love being home with my boys - I love being here for them and I wouldn't have it any other way, but this is hard work! I didn't know it at the time, but this is a sacrifice - a huge sacrifice. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It truly is. That is, looking after other people's children. I will just leave it at that.
So here I am at home. I don't exactly love what I'm doing...and when it gets to be too much, I even feel like I hate it. I think to myself, why would God put me here if I dislike this so much? Why is this soooooooo hard?
The first thing that I need to do - and that I always seem to forget when things get hard - is Thank God. In my heart I need to thank Him. I thank Him for blessing me, I thank Him that I am home with my children. Secondly, I need to be really mindful of my thoughts. Our thoughts have so much power! When I go through my day telling myself how much I hate doing what I'm doing - there is power in that. Children will act according to our mindset. It is much easier to align ourselves with negative thinking. This is something that I, personally, need to do constantly throughout my day - discipline my thinking. You see, I am really doing this for God. He's who I'm working for. I need to back up and recommit what I'm doing unto the Lord, and He will change my mindset and give me His presence. I choose to love and look after these children as if I'm doing so unto the Lord. If Jesus was sitting here with us throughout our day, how would I act?
When I discipline my thinking, my whole perspective changes and all of a sudden I feel like, hey this is not so bad? I could do this for another few years - no problem. Then tomorrow comes...and I start all over again :)
Love,
Tracy
6 comments:
Tracy,
Wow, I was compeltely moved by that whole post. You are amazing. I have often looked at what you do for a living in total admiration, wondering how you could look after other peoples children every week day. I didn't realize that it was a struggle for you too. Talk about a positive attitude. Tomorrow when I am at home and bored feeling like I don't contribute to my family I will remember what you said. How would I act if Jesus were sitting right with me?
You are amazing tracy biafore. Thanks for the message.
Love Sarah
Tracy,
That was really good. I told you you have a knack for this. Honesty is so theraputic. God hears and sees you and knows that you are doing this for the good of your children. They will be forever grateful, not in words but in thier relationship with you. You are an awesome Mom and a great Caregiver.
Lori
Tracy,
You have it figured out! It is one morning at a time. Isn't it amazing that Mercies are new EVERY morning.
I know how it feels to not love what you do, and in fact to hate it. Even when you are doing something that is "good". There will be many times when what you are learning right now will come in handy. God sees it all.
It takes a lot of integrity to get up every morning and put your effort into what you don't love to do. God has a habit though of taking your face in His hands and having you see something great everyday. Keep your eyes open, there is something every day!
Your vulnerability will draw people to you, and you will have influence in places that you didn't ever think that you could!
You will reap rewards beyond measure for pouring into the lives of those kids. When those mothers drop off their kids to you, imagine how much better they feel knowing that you love their kids! You are ministering to them in ways that are innumerable!
Dearest Tracy:
I understand what you are speaking of. I did home daycare for years. I went through many stages of growth working with the children. Learning to balance the family and the daycare when it was in my home was an on going learning process. Working with children is such an awesome challenge. I just cannot get my head around the fact that in our society a mobil phone sales rep. can be driving a BMW because their income is so high and yet the people who we entrust our precious children to spend their days with them are paid so little. I know it is not about money but I simply cannot understand where the world places it's value when I see things like this. I remember how challenging it is to try and give those precious children entrusted to me the kind of experiences and enviroment that is life giving.(no pressure eh?) I know the challenges and the energy it takes to do what you are doing. You are truly doing the Lord's work!!! Even if it feels like you are just trying to hang on for dear life sometimes. Bless you Tracy for you are a blessing to those children who have the privilege of having you help them through their days. Keep up the great work.
Peace and blessings I pray to you and yours in Jesus' name:
Donna Davidson
Thanks for your comment, Donna. It's so nice to hear other daycare workers' perspectives. I need more of them in my life :) because it's easy to feel alone - like no one really gets just how challenging this can be. I certainly had no idea before I became a daycare provider myself. As you know, taking care of other people's children is not at all like caring for your own. But it's like you said, Donna, these precious children have been entrusted to me and I want so badly to give them the most loving environment. I want to teach them, and love them and treat them just as I would my own children. Often I have to think, Okay how would I handle this situation if it were Ethan or Ty?
Just today, Aerie & I were talking about our dreams for the future, and one of my biggest dreams is to be a Natural Health Practioner. I have been dealing with some health issues and my passion is to learn all that I can about Natural Medicine - and I would love to help other people get better. I sometimes feel like what I do here at home is so insignificant. But I know without a doubt that it is just the opposite. These children have been entrusted into MY care! Wow, that's just amazing! That's big! I strive to be the kind of daycare provider I would want my boys to be in...if they were. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard, but God sure gives me Grace and He always sustains me...day after day.
Thanks for your kind and encouraging words, Donna.
Love,
Tracy
Dearest Tracy:
Even though you have been so honest to share the intense challenge of caring for other's children, while your children are still young as well, in no way means that your conduct is anything less than terrific for those kids. There is a big difference between sharing some of the battles that go on in our minds and actually letting our behaviour reflect it. Yes we are human and no one is perfect but I find, more often than not, the people willing to share their thoughts and feelings so openly and honestly are less likely to be the people who are doing any kind of real harm to another.
All that to say, keep up the good work in a very challenging yet rewarding job.
Peace and blessings to you and yours I pray in Jesus' mighty name:
Donna
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